Hey, remember when Cryptopsy was one of the greatest Death Metal bands of all time? Remember the first time Lord Worm ever kicked your ass with his demonic snarls? Remember in 2007 when Cryptopsy finally killed their last bit of credibility as a pioneer in the genre? Now you can relive that last memory all over again this month when Matt McGachy sodomizes Cryptopsy’s corpse yet again and then sets it on fire.
For those of you who might be wondering, this is not a comeback album. A comeback usually indicates some return to a past standard of quality. There is no such return here. ‘Two Pound Torch’ (Seriously, what the FUCK) sounds like ‘Whisper Supremacy’ if it was shit out by Sven of Aborted and then resuscitated by one of those Job For A Cowboy scenesters who think they’re ‘so brutal’. I’m ashamed to have even listened to this track on Youtube. I feel like I’ve disgraced the memory of this band by even acknowledging a new release…and I’m not even the biggest Cryptopsy fan out there, let alone on this website.
Of course, the vast majority of the blame falls squarely on Matt McGachy’s shoulders. This metalcore loving, band destroying fuckface is still around folks. In any sensible world, this degenerate would have been run out of civilization for the crime that is ‘Unspoken King’ but of course not. He’d much rather rip open the scars of Cryptopsy’s ultimate betrayal, drench them in salt, lemon and his own urine, then say ‘Miss me? There’s a whole LOT more I can ruin!’ Top that off with a completely uninspired Jon Levasseur performance and Flo turning in a spastic drum massacre instead of the mind blowing technical showcases he used to give and the treachery’s complete.
As far as I’m concerned, Cryptopsy died a very long time ago. Mike DiSalvo began digging the band’s grave and Matt McGachy’s buried the band’s corpse, dug it out again, continuously raped it over a period of five years and every once in a while decides to stick it back in the ground to maintain some degree of ‘decency’. This is FUCKING atrocious and everyone involved in this cheap cash grabbing fan scorning bullshit should be promised pain and nightmares, in that sequence.
Any other classic bands in the genre want to get on the ‘At The Gate Of Sethu’/’Cryptopsy’ bandwagon? Hell, why stop the sacrilege here? Reform Demilich and get Jon Huber on vocals. Put together an Oppressor reunion with the drummer and guitarist from Waking The Cadaver. Have Suicide Silence rerecord the Timeghoul demos. Who cares, right? Haven’t you heard? The betrayal of dedicated fanbases is all the rage these days in Death Metal circles. I mean, who ACTUALLY listens to the people who buy album after album, expensive merch and concert tickets in the middle of a work week? Milk ’em for all they’ve got and then split up in a blaze of abject failure. That’s just ‘creative redirection’ brah!
I need a drink…